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Telescope Trouble/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Hey, Brent. Wanna try somethin' new? Brent Leroy: Cool, little packages. It's like astronaut food. Lacey: It's coffee flavour, for your coffee. Brent: But coffee already tastes like coffee, like a lot. Lacey: No, it's not the flavour of coffee. It's to flavour your coffee. You put it in your coffee for a burst of authentic flavour. Brent: Irish Cream. What's in Irish Cream anyway? Oscar Leroy: It's booze. Brent: There's booze in here? Lacey: No. Brent: So it's fake? Lacey: Yes. But authentic. Oscar: I tried one. I liked it. Kinda fruity. Lacey: It's because it's jam, Oscar. Brent: How are things at NASA? Lacey: If the door's broken, you should take care of it, Brent. Brent: I've been working on it all morning. There. Lacey: Way to throw yourself at the problem. Brent: Well, I shoulda probably got Wanda to make the sign, but I... Wanda Dollard: You're an overachiever. Brent: Yeah. Well, I've been at this a while. See, my sign allows the customer to enter with complete safety. It's all about the customer. Hank Yarbo: Hey, what's that? Ooh! Brent: That doesn't count. He's not a customer. Lacey: Yeah, more of victim, really. Wanda: You wanna sue? I'll be a witness. Brent: My sign isn't workin'. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Davis Quinton: Just fix the door. It's a safety issue. Brent: Oh, here we go. Big Daddy Government makin' it hard on the little guy. Davis: I like that. I'm Big Daddy Government. Brent: Ah, it's quite a quandary. Don't know what I'm gonna do. Lacey: Hey, I've got an idea. Fix the door. Davis: Quandary solved. Brent: I can't put my business on hold to fix a door. I've gotta keep the wheel of commerce greased. Davis: You don't know how to fix it, do ya? Brent: I could figure it out, probably, eventually. Davis: Quandary's back. Lacey: You should call my door guy. Brent: You have a door guy? Lacey: Terry. Oh, he's great. He comes, he fixes the door. He's got a motto, "I fix doors." Brent: I'm confused. What's he do? Lacey: Oh, fine. Suit yourself. But as a business owner, I find that if people can't get into your business, it really cuts down on business. Davis: Yeah, it hurts that big greasy commerce wheel. Brent: Well, I'm not hiring a guy. I can do it myself. Hank: Ah! Geez, my leg, it's so painful. Brent, you gotta buy me a coffee for compensation. Brent: You got this Jerry guy's number? RV Owner: You'll love it. Pulling up your roots, travelling around. My Dad had a great time. Oscar: If it's so fun, how come he's not doin' it now? RV Owner: He's dead. Oscar: Did he die in the RV? 'Cause then I want a discount. RV Owner: Look, take it somewhere for a week. If you don't like it, I'll give you the money back. Emma Leroy: Sounds good. Oscar: Did he die in the RV or not? Don't change the subject. Emma: Pay the man. Wanda: Careful. Right through here. Karen Pelly: Oh, ow! Wanda: Watch the door. Karen: Thanks. Brent: Oh, whoa, what's this? You know my rule against bazookas in the gas station. Wanda: It's my new telescope. Karen: Why do you need a telescope for anyway? Davis: It makes far away things seem closer. It's like a magic eye. Karen: What do you need a magic eye for? Wanda: Prokhop meteor shower. Every 12,000 years the Earth passes through the Prokhop meteor cloud, creating hundreds of noctilucent anomalies. Brent: Will they give off some kinda ray, create a race of supermen? Wanda: Unlikely. Brent: Interest waning. Wanda: Look, this only happens every 12,000 years and I'm not missing it. Brent: Can this meteor thing only be viewed inside the gas station? Wanda: I'm only leaving it here because my kid would wreck it. He'd tear it apart before you could say Copernicus. Brent: Maybe not before I could, but probably before I would. Wanda: It stays here and it stays safe. Hank: Hey, cool bazooka! Karen: You want to keep it at the cop shop? Wanda: Back it out, nice and easy. Oscar: It's good to get out on the open road. Whoa! It's a big thing, hey? Kinda clumsy. Emma: You sure you can handle this? Oscar: No more smart talk, or I'll turn this thing around right now. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Brent: Are you the door guy? Terry: That's right. What seems to be the problem? Brent: It's the door. Terry: I'm the guy. Lacey: Brent, be nice to Terry. I had to pull some strings. There's a waiting list. Brent: He's just a door guy. He's not Copernius. Lacey: Who? Brent: Invented meteor clouds. Karen: I think you're overreacting about Hank. Wanda: I'm being proactive. Karen: Over proacting, then. Wanda: I don't think so. Do you remember my birdbath? Karen: That was a pretty ugly birdbath, though. Wanda: Or my TV? Hank: Thanks for lending me this. Karen: The ugly birdbath was in the way. Wanda: Do you remember what he did to my car? Hank: Thanks for lending me this. Karen: Do birds even take baths? Wanda: No, not in that thing. It's pretty ugly. Hank: I can't believe you're lettin' this guy fix your door for ya. It takes away your masculinity. Brent: You've taped every episode of The Powerpuff Girls. Hank: It's a good show. I'm missing three episodes. Lacey: Oh, come on. Brent asking for help does not take away from his masculinity. Brent: Yeah. Lacey: It shows he's mature enough to subordinate himself to another more capable man. Brent: Where does that come from? Who's subordinate? Terry: Brent! Brent: Yes, sir? Terry: Just as I thought. It's your door closer. Hank: Yeah, he's really good. Lacey: He's a genius. He's like Bacurnius. Hank: Who? Lacey: He's big in space. Wanda: Ah, great. Safe from curious little fingers. Karen: Glad to help. Don't wanna help anymore, but glad to help. Davis: Hey, awesome! A big tube! Karen: Actually, it's a telescope. Davis: Hey, awesome! Wanda: Thanks anyways. Oscar: It doesn't seem so big now. This will be a breeze. Emma: Actually, this is kind of intimidating. Oscar: Let's go. Put the pedal to the metal. Emma: Gimme a minute. Oscar: Just hit the gas. Easy, easy! What's your hurry? Emma: Just let me do this! Oscar: Fine. I'm gonna take a shower. Lacey: Beautiful workmanship. The guy's an artist. Brent: Yeah? Well, art's expensive. I could have done this myself. Lacey: Please. You might have broken a nail. Brent: I would have soldiered on. Wanda: Get your car keys. We're going to your place. Brent: That's your best pickup line? Brent: Try to fix my own door and I get emasculated. Wanda: Ouch. I told you it was dangerous. Brent: Metaphorically. Wanda: Ah. Well, this will be safe here. Brent: Shielded by the power of my intense disinterest. Hank: Hey, check it out, Brent. There's a table that folds in there. I kid you not, a folding table. Brent: I thought you were headin' out of town. Emma: Change of plans. Plug us in. Hank: Unless you need to hire a guy to do it for ya. Oscar: He told me about the door hinge. Brent: I'll manage. Emma: You sure? Sometimes it's worth a little money to have a man around. Oscar: It's your fault he's like this. You two were always playing with dolls. Hank: GI Joe's not a doll. He was in the army. Oscar: What army lets in a guy with a beard? Brent: He was undercover. It was the '70s. Ow! Oscar: Want some help with that door, Sweetie? Hank: Hey, I got a bone to pick with you. Lacey: What bone? Hank: Why did ya tell Brent to hire a door fixer? Lacey: This seems hard for people to get their head around, but because the door needs fixing. Hank: Yeah. But hiring a guy takes away his respect. Lacey: So? Hank: So, I don't get much respect. The respect I do get is Brent's extra respect, the crumbs off the table. You can't take that away. It's my respect crumbs. Lacey: But you've been making fun of him more than anybody. Hank: That's because it's funny. But I hate myself for it. Lacey: The male ego is a fragile thing. Hank: Yeah. It's like a delicate flower, a rugged, delicate flower. Lacey: So you'd rather get hit in the bum by a door? Hank: That's just physical. It's better than gettin' hit on the bum of the mind. Brent: You know, if you folks are lost, there's maps inside. Emma: No. Here's good. Brent: What about my customers? Oscar: Oh, they're not bothering us. Emma: Family comes first. Are you saying you want us to leave? Brent: No, no. I could never kick out my own parents. Brent (phone): I want you to kick out my parents. Davis (phone): But they raised you and gave you life. Brent (phone): Use your nightsticks if you have to. Send a message. Davis (phone): How do you live with yourself? Davis: Can I borrow your nightstick? Karen: No. Wanda: They did raise you. Brent: Yeah. And now it's payback time. Hank: Ow! Wanda: Hey, Hank. Hank: Man! That thing's a menace. It's like the portal of doom. Wanda: Excuse the inconvenience as we grow to serve you better. Hank: Hey, I want to see this meteor shower thing. Wanda: Why does the concept of a shower suddenly interest you? Hank: Well, it's only every 12,000 years. If I miss it now, I might not get another chance. Wanda: Who knows how long you'll live. If you eat right, take your vitamins, stay outta my face. Hank: Come on, you owe me. I got injured while you just stood by and watched. Wanda: Every job does have its perks. Emma: Trespassing? Says who? Karen: It was an anonymous complaint. Davis: Don't make this get ugly. Emma: Why are you holding a ruler? Brent: Your door guy sucks. Lacey: What? Brent: I've had the thing less than four hours, it's already busted. I should fix it myself. Lacey: Oh, no, no, no. You'll void the warranty and Terry won't service it. Plus, you would hurt your delicate hands. Brent: Delicate? What are you talkin' about? Look at that paw, look at that mitt. That's a workin' man's hand. Lacey: Oh, that's soft. Brent: That one is a little girly. But this one is trouble. Lacey: Here's my point. Call Terry, he'll fix your door. Brent: Counterpoint. I already did. He can only come between 4:00 and 8:00. Lacey: Counter-counterpoint. Wait until 8:00 and your door will get fixed. Brent: Counter-counter-counter-counterpoint. I'm off between 4:00 and 8:00 and kickboxing's on TV. Lacey: That was one too many counters. But whatever you say, Girly-Hands. Brent: Hand. Oscar: Terrible thing for a son to do. Emma: Put it all behind you. We've got the whole world to explore. Oscar: Let's roll. Here we are. Lacey: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oscar: Let's go. Hank: We should be watchin' this on the big screen inside. Like we're gonna see the door guy from here. Brent: I got a clear line of sight. It's perfect. Like there, his van's pulling up now. Or maybe that's a sparrow. Hank: If only we had some kinda bionic eye that made things bigger. How's that? Brent: I can read the ingredients on the chips. Oh, wait. Now it looks blurry. Now it looks angry. Wanda: Wow. Does that ever look like my telescope. Oh, except this one's got two extra knobs. Emma: Don't worry. We'll find a place where we're welcome. Oscar: Damn straight. Hey, I think I can handle this now. Emma: Good. Start 'er up an let's go. I wonder who ordered all the trees. Brent: To hell with the door guy. Hank: Now you're talkin'. Brent: You never learn, do ya? Hank: Just fix the door. I'm missing kickboxing. Brent: Now, this is gonna require subtlety. This thing's under warranty. I'm not supposed to be touching it. Hank: Oo-ooh. Brent: Are you saying I'm whipped by a warranty? Hank: Just fix it. Guys are kickin' each other right now. Brent: Guys will be kickin' each other here if you don't stop pestering me. Terry: You wanna step away from the hinge? Step away from the hinge! Hank: Ooo-ooh! Lacey: Ow! Cheap son of a... Lacey (phone): Hi, Terry. Lacey. Ah, a minor problem with the door. Terry (phone): I'm not surprised. You're not supposed to fiddle with it. Lacey (phone): I didn't fiddle. Terry (phone): I caught your friend fiddling. And now yours is broken. Look, I don't know what kind of fiddle fest is going on, but I don't like it. Lacey (phone): I take my door hinge guarantee very seriously. Terry (phone): I'll try make it out there when I can. I'm in the middle of a pretty big job right now. Lacey (phone): What kinda job? Terry (phone): A door hinge job. Hank: Ow! I want compensation. Davis: Now you're really asking for it. Oscar: Give us a break. A guy died in this thing. Karen: Let's go. You gotta...are those s'mores? Emma: Sure. Want one? Davis: Want me to run the extension cable? Brent: How long does this have to be here? Wanda: It doesn't leave my sight until the meteor shower tonight. Hey. Hey, wanna come watch? It's a once in a lifetime chance. Brent: Who lives to be 12,000? Lacey: Brent, did you fiddle with your hinge? Brent: I beg your pardon, ma'am? Wanda: He tried to fix it because Hank was makin' fun of him. Brent: Now I'm Hank whipped? Lacey: Now my door's broken and you are responsible. Brent: How am I... Lacey: Terry caught you. Now I'm being lumped in with you. I hate being lumped. Fiddler! Wanda: Hey, Lacey. Wanna go to a meteor shower? Lacey: Do I have to buy a present? Wanda: Never mind. Davis: Oh-oh Lor-oo-oord kum bi ya-aaa. Karen: These s'mores are so good. Do you have the recipe? Emma: Marshmallows and graham crackers. Anyway, thanks for dropping by. Karen: Oh, no problem. That's the nice thing about RV-ing, the people you meet. Davis: And now I will sing the same song again. Kum bi ya, my Lor-ooord... Hank: Hey, wanna fry? They're free. Brent: So you're not charging me to eat off your plate now? Hank: No, I mean free to me. Compensation. Lacey's door broke and I, uh... Brent: I know. Hank: And the door guy won't come because you... Brent: I know. Hank: Yeah? Well, did you know this? Brent: What? Hank: I don't know. I don't have a third thing. I just thought you'd cut me off again. Brent: I never should have hired that door guy. Hank: You're telling me. I've suffered mental anguish. Brent: What anguish? It was a tap on the bum. Hank: The bum of the mind. Huh? Look, Brent. You've gotta get back in the game. It's a good thing Lacey's door broke. It's a window of opportunity. Brent: The door's a window? Hank: Yeah. You know what they say. God closes a door, he opens a window. Brent: You'd think he'd have a guy to open his windows for him. Hank: Pay attention. You fix Lacey's door, you regain your respect. That's what I'm sayin'. Brent: Maybe I could help Lacey make a sign. Hank: What's the matter with you? Are you afraid of Terry? Brent: No, I'm not scared of Terry. He's just a door guy with big arms and a tan and a nice truck. I feel sorry for him, is what it is. Hank: Well, remember, he's not comin', so he can't catch us. Brent: Let's do it. Brent: Look, it's my fault he's not coming. Let me fix it. Lacey: You're not fixing, you're fiddling. Call Terry and apologize. Hank: Oh, come on. Just give us a chance to prove ourselves. Give us two chances to prove ourselves. Karen: You're leaving? Emma: Well, technically, us setting up the RV here is illegal. Oscar: We're breaking the law right on your doorstep. Davis: It's very convenient. We appreciate it. Karen: But where will you go? Emma: This is nice. Oscar: You know what would make it even better? Emma: If we go inside the house? Oscar: Sounds good. Terry: Sorry about before. I shouldn't punish you because of one bad apple like Brent. Let's take a look at that door. Lacey: Uh, you know what? It, it, it's funny. It actually kind of fixed itself. Terry: Really? Brent: No, it didn't. I fixed it. Lacey: No, Brent, don't. Brent: Enough lies. I can fix a door. You wanna see a door that's fixed? Check out this fixed door. Terry: Lacey, is this how you feel too? Lacey: I'm sorry. I guess we just don't need you anymore. Terry: Fine. But I can't guarantee the hinge. You're on your own. Lacey: I was wrong. Thanks for fixing my door. Brent: Well, we're business people. We make our businesses work. Terry: Ow! Lacey: I'll go apologize to Terry. Wanda: Awesome. Once in 12,000 years and I got to see it. Hank: Ah, this is amazing! I mean I've played a lot of Asteroids, but I've never seen anything like this. Thanks for showing me, Wanda. Wanda: Actually, it was kinda cool having someone to watch this with. Hank: I don't get it. That barely even sounds mean. Wanda: And if you tell anyone, I'll gut ya like a fish. Hank: You shoulda seen it, all these meteors. Spacurnius would have been impressed. Brent: Spacurnius? Hank: Yeah. He invented space. Wanda: Yeah, that's what he did. See ya later. Brent: Careful. Hank: You know, it was really nice of Wanda to show me that shower thing, so I got her a new birdbath to say thanks. Wanda: Oh! Oh! Hank: Is the birdbath okay? Brent: My window! Wanda: Hey, don't sweat it. This kinda thing happens all the time. Category:Transcripts